Sometimes it takes losing everything you have to finally
grow up and find yourself
Throughout school, I would describe myself as being pretty popular. I was who's who, class favorite, cheerleader, cheer captain, homecoming court, and if my memory serves me correctly, I was all-state choir at least once, maybe more. I was the social butterfly of the school. I don't list these attributes to be conceited or superior, but to highlight the excellence of my childhood. My parents were great. My grandparents were great. My two sisters and I pretty much had everything we wanted, within reason. We weren't spoiled by any means... well... maybe a little, but no more than anybody else. We ate dinner every night at 6 o'clock around the table together. You know, the "Leave it to Beaver" type thing, that was us. Don't get me wrong, we all had fights, we got in trouble, we yelled and pushed and punched, and even ripped out hair lol, but we were tight and we loved each other more than life. After graduating high school, I met and ended up marrying a super star football player from my hometown, who had just signed a contract to play in the NFL. We had a sweet baby girl a year after getting married. This is one of those things you dream about as a little girl, growing up and having the perfect little family.
If anyone had told me that in 5 years I would have gone from being a NFL wife; going to gala's with Jerry Jones, Michael Irving and Emmett Smith, golfing on the Dallas Cowboys Golf Course everyday and doing whatever I wanted... to becoming a drug addict, losing my marriage, my friends, my house, almost my daughter, going to jail, losing my job and so many times, almost losing my life, I would have never believed them!
It doesn't matter who you are, how much money you have, who your family is, what part of town you're from! I mean, I grew up in a great family and had everything going for me. Why would I ever turn into such a disappointment? The simple answer... because addiction doesn't care. It doesn't care that you have a baby to feed and a family to love and care for. It will take your job, your mind, your health, your money, and has taken the lives of so many of my friends!
Because of the constant aches and pains I was consistently having, probably due to my frailty, but I was told it was "connective tissue disease", the doctor put me on Lortabs. Now, just to be honest, this wasn't the first time I had experimented with pills, so it wasn't new to me. But this particular time was different. I started off taking one... then three... then seven.
Because of the amount of Lortabs I was taking, we knew it could potentially hurt my liver, so the doctor switched me to Methadone. In the doctors words "you can take less and it will be just as effective". When I stopped seeing that doctor, I was taking 10 Methadone pills a day. It's crazy looking back, but I remember pleading with God, "please don't let me die. If you just keep me alive I'll never do this again". My breathing had gotten so shallow, I promise I thought I was dying.
Y'all, this wasn't something I wanted to be. I didn't wake up daydreaming of becoming this person. Nobody wakes up in the morning and actually WANTS to chase dope. We all plan for college and marriage and life and babies, but nobody plans to become a drug addict!!
The sad reality is that nobody is immune.
Addiction is one thing in this world that doesn't discriminate. Many people think that it will never happen to them. I'm telling you though... yes it can! The recipe is, it takes two things to take place in your life to set you up for a really long, dark road. The first being the circumstances that surround you and second is the perception in which you see said circumstances. Do you understand that? Listen to me, I was weak, I was sad, I was sick and I saw that the medicine that the doctor prescribed me, made me feel again! Not only did it make me feel, but it made me feel great!! THAT feeling is what almost took everything from me.
I will never forget the lessons I learned from the years I was on this painful road. I will never forget the day I walked outside and saw the sky as blue as I've ever seen it before, and the grass as green as the fake turf I had seen on so many football fields! Everything was crisp, everything was fresh and I know that's when God restored my path.
I always knew deep down I had a greater purpose. I knew I wasn't the person on the inside, that I was portraying on the outside. Honestly, I don't even recognize the person I used to be anymore. I think back on so many things I did and wonder how I didn't get killed.
From that experience, I learned how to appreciate the small things. Things that seem insignificant to others, are huge to me. For example, finding a penny on the ground makes me crazy excited! :) That sounds ridiculous to some, but every single time I find one, I know it's a reminder that everything is going to be ok, and I immediately thank Jesus for it.
I learned to have empathy for others, no matter what the circumstances are. You never know what someone is going through the second you meet them. You may be in the presence of someone who is contemplating suicide and you may be the one person that saves their life, just by noticing them! The world we live in is so cold. It's so driven by grandiose objects and money and somewhere in between all of that, we have to be the warmth that allows people to see hope!
I learned that honesty is the most important thing you can give somebody. Even if it's the hard truth, you have to tell it! I would rather have the hurtful truth than a lie that feels good, any day!! I've hurt people with lies and I've been hurt with lies, and I would never want that kind of pain inflicted on someone else on my behalf.
I learned that life is what you make it! Being a single mom is so hard. So hard, in fact that some days I wonder how I've made it this far! I feel like every other day someone is calling saying, "you have a past due balance". Not because I'm broke, well not always anyway, haha, but because I get SO sick of doing everything by myself that I literally can't make myself do it sometimes! But at the end of the day, you know what makes everything worth it? The fact that I have my life, I have my freedom, and I have people who love me and laugh at my silly, insignificant "Cassie'isms", lol.
I learned that being your true authentic self is undeniably the best thing you could ever offer yourself or anyone else. There's something about losing the life you've known and having all your possessions stripped from you, that creates a self-effacement that words really can't describe. Living with your parents at 30 years old, definitely isn't something that makes you feel like a winner, let me tell you! It did, however, produce a unique cluster of internal reactions that taught me that self-reflection is the best reflection you can see.
Who you are on the inside is what you have to fall in love with. Everything on the outside is temporary. Your looks fade, you can lose weight or gain it, you can have a nice car or a crappy one, it doesn't change who you are on the inside! Please try to see people for who they are, not what they do! Yes, it can cause emotional scars, I have plenty. But I also know that there are so many people in this world who are hurting and they need to know they matter!!
I'm going to leave y'all with this, and I hope you remember it because it has made a huge impact in my thought process... everything is changeable and anything is possible! Don't give up!
Pray hard but row for the shore!
If you or anybody else you know battles with addiction, please know that you matter!! Please know that you are loved!! And trust me when I say that you can heal from this terrible disease and you can be the best you've ever been!!
I'm living proof!!
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