The last few years have taken a pretty huge toll on my life. Emotionally, mentally and physically!
I've experienced quite a bit of loss, confusion, heartache, anger, sadness, bitterness, lack of faith, sickness, lack of control, and helplessness.
I went from being joyful, being in love, thinking I'd be married, loving my job and loving life, to being single, mad and at times feeling like I wasn't gonna make it another minute, much less another day, month or year. I was hopeless and doing everything I could to find a spark to light my dark soul back up! Hopelessness is where people are when they take their life, and at times I swear to you, it crossed my mind!!
There's this thing about losing your hope that literally makes you feel deprived of the very breath in your lungs. Some days I felt this intense sensation arise from the pit of my stomach that mimicked that of a hand slowly griping my esophagus until my breath was so shallow I thought it would surely take me out. I still feel this on occasion!!
Usually when I go through the trials and tribs of life, I'm still able to keep my composure; I smile and laugh and strive to lift others up but this time everything was dark. I hated people and life and everything I should have been being grateful for!! I found myself empty! Empty of everything that made me who I am!
I left home in the morning, went to work and came straight home. I didn't want to socialize and I really didn't care who liked it!! I went to the gym a few times in 6 months but found the weight of paranoia surround me as men gawked over the balcony as if I was on display. My family and friends would say, "you can't stop just stop living because of someone else's actions toward you". I ignored them and did whatever I wanted to do anyway, which was sit on the couch and eat!!!
During this time I KNEW what I should have been doing, but under no circumstances could I actually do it! I needed to be active, because that's what I love! I needed to be adventurous, because that's what makes me happy! And I needed to be exercising, because that's what makes me SANE (true story) but there was not a single thing I could tell myself that could make me muster the energy to go!!!
But you know what!? Sooner or later you have to look at yourself in the mirror and you have to make a choice to get your head out of your ass! (pardon me) but it's true! You can either sit in your comfort and eat yourself to death, or drink or drug yourself, but it only prolongs your miserable life!!
You have two options, you can either step forward into growth, where you might get judged and ridiculed or you can step back into safety!! Yea, it might feel good where it's safe... but great things never come from comfort zones!!
Don't get it twisted, I still find myself slipping down that slope again, but I've learned that in life you can either FIGHT or FAINT! And I ain't about that faint life at all!!!! I was born a fighter and I'll die one!
I write this today as a source of hope to those who feel like you don't have the strength, courage, or will to keep pushing for your purpose. If anybody knows what it feels like to wanna lock yourself in the house, not talk to anybody and just be a recluse rather than to face what's troubling you, I do!! The bills pile up, work is crazy stressful, you don't know how you're gonna pay for this and that!! And even still as terrible as it is, I won't look at my account because I don't wanna stress over the money I DON'T have!! Then add the emotions that go into having relationships or lack thereof... and constantly you feel like there's gotta be something more but you just can't freaking find it!!! I know!! That's my life!
Life ain't easy sometimes! And people say "life is short", well yea, it IS when you're happy and running the roads and doing the things you WANT to be doing, but life can be really long and exhausting when you feel stuck!
So, I challenge you today to set out on a personal journey to find what makes you happy and what drives you to want to be better!! At the end of the day it's our passions that keep us going!
If you make a commitment to yourself to change your thoughts, ON PURPOSE, I promise you can transform the negative into positive and before it's over you'll have a new hunger for life!
I don't write these blogs for popularity. If anything it gets me more judged and criticized. I'm just telling you, I've been through this and it might take you a lot of 'minute by minute' moments and even more 'day by days', but it's so worth it to start seeing hope again!!!
If you're not where you wanna be, change it! If you can't change it right now, change your attitude about it :).