Sometimes I look back on my life and I swear I wonder how in the world I’m still standing. I know that sounds cliché because there’s a lot of people who say that, but I truly mean it!!!!
I know I’ve shared my testimony before, but to give you a quick briefing it goes something like this… I went from being married to a NFL player, to being addicted to pain pills. Although I would do pretty much any drug, pain pills was my thing, until I graduated to heroin and that’s where life got really dark. I was arrested a few times, mostly for bad checks and fighting (as crazy as that sounds). I lost my job. I lost my house. I lost my dignity and I almost lost custody of my daughter.
Between the years 2003 to now I’ve experienced a multitude of floods: Hyperthyroid, hospitalized for ulcers, bankruptcy, divorce, addiction, jail, custody battle, lost my job, got job back, lived with my parents, had sinus surgery, rented a house, went through heart break, moved back with parents, had reconstructive surgery on my nose due to drug use, rented an apartment, started regaining self-control and confidence, decided to buy a house, moved back in with parents to start the process, almost died from Rhabdomyolysis from training too hard and not re-hydrating, BOUGHT MY FIRST HOUSE, experienced heart break again, was a victim of “revenge porn” and virtually tortured on a website, fought to get a law passed making "revenge porn/non consensual porn" illegal, after a couple years of constant issues with my stomach I found out I have Gastroparesis, which basically means my food doesn't digest well, somewhere between all of that my nose did something funky and the surgery failed so now I have a crooked nose which kills my confidence on so many levels. Lost 2 of my grandmothers within 18 months and just lost my last grandmother on New Year’s Day 2018.
There’s more small floods in between all of that and some victories as well, but I will spare you… lol
I'm sorry, but THAT’S A LOT OF CRAP, in the grand scheme of things!!!! BUT, let me tell you… the strength all of that produced in me, that’s my weapon!!! The fact that I survived addiction alone, is a sign that God has a purpose greater than the flood that was trying to take me out!!!! Sometimes though, surviving the flood makes you feel like you have to be in constant survival mode!! And if you’re not careful you will find yourself living there and that’s the most unhealthy place you could abide. That will ultimately manifest lack of trust, bitterness, maybe some paranoia and a lot of fear!!
It’s important that you understand the mentality of someone who is trying to rebuild after the flood because if not, you might find yourself being critical and judgmental. Instead of seeing them as warriors who came out alive, we are seeing ourselves and others as ‘broken, dramatic, haggard, chaotic, “angry””!!! In most cases that’s not the case at all!! It’s just that we’ve been trying to hold it together for so long that anything can throw us off.
Think of it like this… it’s like you’re standing in the water holding a beach ball under the water, and we all know how hard that is; if we have to release one of our hands from the ball, it pops up out of the water and you immediately start scrambling to push it back down!! In real life though, we put up our dukes and start to get ready to throw punches... because THAT'S what we're used to doing.
I know there are people who have been through SOO MUCH WORSE than me, but if I don’t share my story I’m doing myself and others a disservice.
If you’ve been through anything at all, I want you to know that the fact that you survived is proof that you have a purpose! God would have never allowed you to survive the flood unless He knew you could rebuild again!
Walk with your head high knowing that even though it might look ugly, you are just as much part of His plan as the person who has a perfect, clean life!
Don’t be afraid to share your story. If anything, people will relate to your beautiful chaos even more because nobody is immune to it. Nobody!
Sorry for rambling but I know there are more people with a voice and I pray you don’t allow fear to keep your voice from being heard, like I have so many times!!!
I love love love y’all and hope this message resonates with at least 1 person!!