I hate the month of March more than I hate the smell of collards cooking in the kitchen!! And I hate that smell a lot lol.
More pain, heartache, emotional suffering, financial suffering and death has existed during this month than any other month, everrr!! And it’s been going on for MANYYY many years. It’s like cursed or something, idk!!!
I have finally learned that the real definition of ENDURE is to "bear patiently" and I'm learning what it feels like everyday, to do just that! Learning how to keep my pure, all believing yet 'DON'T BELIEVE ANYBODY', cynical, empathetic, guarded yet wild heart in check is one of the most difficult things I've had to do.
The thing about enduring, though, doesn't feel like "bearing patiently" at all!! It feels like BARELY SURVIVING!!! For me, it's racing thoughts, panic, like your hearts collapsing into your stomach about 100 times a day thinking of a certain past situation, over and over again, or wondering if someone is lying to you. It's that fight or flight, 'I'm either going to cuss you out or I'm getting out and never coming back' feeling!
It can also look like the opposite of chaos... becoming cold or withdrawn. Maybe you don't speak for a couple of days even though you KNOW you should, or maybe you just feel like what you have to say isn't important! You feel paralyzed!! And all you wanna do is escape the thoughts before they drowned you!
It is survival mode that creates a residue that has the potential to stain every aspect of your life!!!
Healing from that has not been easy, and I'm still doing it every day. Ohhh but it's been sooo worth it! Every uncomfortable convo, every fight, every scream and every tear has watered the life tree.
For once, I can say I KNOW who I am. I know what I want. I know what I have to offer. I know how to create success within myself. And I know how to withstand ANYTHING, even with a heavy heart!
I know how to deplete my body of every ounce of energy and emotion and I also know how to replenish it just the same!
I know what it’s like to be sad on the inside beyond recognition and I know what it feels like to be joyous, happy, healthy and grateful beyond measure. And there’s a season for ALL of it!!!
God created our bodies for a purpose to endure ALL things. Life and death and everything in between!!
Hebrews 12:7 says, ”Endure hardships as discipline”. Not because we are being punished but so that we can, “Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James1:4)
We get ONE body and ONE mind for the rest of our lives!!! Think of it as if it was the only car you were ever gonna have!! You’d learn to respect it and take care of it properly!!!
I am so thankful my mind, body and spirit are starting to give back everything I’ve allowed to be taken from me over times of hardship.
I can say honestly for the first time in a long time, I am back and it feels so good!!!!
ILY ❤
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